Sunday, July 22, 2012

Closing the Distance

If you've been around my blog for a while, or even a short time, you probably know that I believe in Jesus Christ as my one and only savior, my rock, and my foundation.

What you might not know is that I've been going through one of those "distant" times in my faith the last nine months. Nine months! It's been a long, long dry season that seemed to get drier and dustier with every week.

With Jesus calling heavily on my heart I accepted a position of leadership back in . . .October 2010 . . . a while ago. It put me in the midst of a leadership team, and in the position of planning and leading worship for nearly a year at a new (like brand new) church.

I knew in the core of my soul that God wanted me in that position. I felt him knocking on the door of my heart when the call went around a small group of people for a worship leader. I answered it, prayed over it, asked for help on it, and God's blessings abundantly overflowed.

I can't say it was easy. It took time and energy away from my family and my writing.

Yet, God provided at every turn. When I trusted Him, everything came together.

Then . . .I'm not sure what happened. My kids needed me more. I felt called to let go, but wanted to keep helping out. I came under attack after attack for decisions I made for worship. My friends stood by me, but it became obvious that my role as a worship leader was a stumbling block for a group of people at my church. I prayed, and I started to let go but kept holding on to "just a few things."

Guess what? A replacement was found for those last few things - quickly.

I felt hurt. Hurt by people, and hurt by God.

Why had he called me there if I wasn't supposed to stay? What was the purpose in that? Did I not do good enough? Was I supposed to stay with the new church? And if so, why? "They" didn't want me.

God didn't seem to want me to serve Him there. A few people asked me to serve in a few areas, but I prayed, and I tried and I felt . . . nothing: no tug on my heart, no pull on my soul, no certainty, nothing.

I went to Creation Fest this year for the seventh year running, and I went feeling empty, and distant. I am so thankful that my family "goes every year" because I'm not sure I would have gotten there otherwise. I needed to be there, to be surrounded by friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and convicted again and again by speakers and musicians.

I needed to see that my distance from faith was my sin, my choice, my test that I failed.

I trusted God in the good times, the "top of the world" moments of worship leadership, but I didn't trust Him in the times that I was attacked. I didn't trust Him in the times when I felt unwanted. I didn't trust Him to guide my family and I to the right place. I didn't trust Him hold me close in a time of waiting and rest.

Now I do. I trust Him. He makes my heart new. He lifts me up and fills me with His strength when I fall down. He is my joy. He is my rock and my foundation. He is my guiding light, my path, and my salvation.

I know with certainty that God loves me, that I am His, and He is my Creator, Savior, and Spirit. He is my life. I trust Him to lead me and my family on the right path.

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31 


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

It's easy to trust when things go well, but the real test is to trust when things are falling apart.
You used the word sin - today our pastor said sin is when we choose something lesser over God.
Glad your trust is renewed!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing that, Tyrean. And I agree with Alex: it's easy to trust when things go well...harder when they don't.

Karen Lange said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, Tyrean. I think you are right, hard times really show us where we are, where we need to be, and His wonderful grace and mercy. Sometimes I feel so silly as I work my way through this kind of stuff, thinking I should be much farther ahead, but He's always there to lead and show me what I need. He is good. :)

Angie said...

Beautiful post. *HUGS*

Tyrean Martinson said...

Alex - Me too!

Linda - Agreed!

Karen - He is good! I just have to be reminded fairly often . . .I would like to think that I'm farther along too.

Angie - Thanks! *Hugs back*

Carol Riggs said...

Wonderful post, Tyrean! Thanks for your honesty and sharing. We all have those dry periods, and I'm glad you're on the other side of yours and enjoying God's blessings again. :) (love that verse in Isaiah!!)

Allison said...

Lovely post! I'm glad you are in a more contented place now. We all go through those valleys. And also, Jesus did not say following him would be easy. If life is all smooth sailing then you are probably doing something wrong :)

Allison (Geek Banter)