Clara won the battle for Septily, but her fight isn’t over.
A year after The Battle of Light and Dark, Clara feels
trapped in Skycliff by the Allied Council. As she gathers the last pieces of
information she needs to find the Healing Caves without the Allied Council’s permission,
Clara is attacked. Covert Drinaii mercenaries, an uncomfortable ally, and the
Allied Council aren’t going to stop Clara from her quest to heal her broken
blade. As Champion of Aramatir, she must act.
Meanwhile, in the joint kingdoms of Rrysorria and Wylandria,
the youngest and still cursed swan prince despairs of ever being whole again. In
a moment of desperation, Liam unknowingly enters into a blood pact with a sorceress.
If he doesn’t follow the call in his blood, he could die. If he does follow it,
he could hurt everyone he loves.
Kalidess may have been defeated once, but the Dark
Sisterhood has deeply rooted plans to control the world of Aramatir.
What do you think? Is it ready?
16 comments:
Hi Tyrean! This is quite intriguing and I really don't have many notes aside from "I'd TOTALLY read it!" You do well to explain the situation your characters are in without going overboard and writing us a dictionary. With the small amount of space you used, you summed everything up neatly and wholly. My only constructive comments are these: who is Clara attacked by? When I read that line I was confused until came down to the next one and just assumed they must have been the attackers. Possibly list the attackers in the previous sentence and rework the next one about nothing getting in her way? Second, when you say Liam, I wonder if he's the swan prince or connected to the swan prince or just who he is. Perhaps, if he is the swan prince, allow the sentence to read "...and still cursed swan prince Liam..." Aside from that? Stellarly amazing job, and I SO want to read this!!
I would say that the section, " Covert Drinaii mercenaries, an uncomfortable ally, and the Allied Council aren’t going to stop Clara from her quest to heal her broken blade." confused me because my brain tried to combine the covert mercenaries with the uncomfortable ally. Might want to find a way to distinguish them more. And maybe "unknowingly" should be "Unwittingly"... but you wrote the story, you would know that better than I. But that is what I see from the outside.
Is the first line the tagline? Like that!
Allied Council is repeated three times in the first paragraph. Maybe eliminate one of those?
I got confused with those sentences about the Clara too. I think if you clarify that and then end with the stakes for Clara there or the end of the blurb. I think you need something stronger for the last sentence too. Otherwise it sounds great and I could follow it even not reading the first book.
Wow! Thanks, Randi! I am working on clearing up some of your questions. :)
Thanks, CW! That helps!
Thanks, Alex! And oops . . . must fix the triple madness.
Thank you, Natalie! I needed all this specific feedback! I'm back at work!
Very solid blurb, Tyrean! The paragraph about Liam especially drew me in. The only thing that confused me a little was the last sentence, since I wasn't sure how it connected with everything else in the blurb. (This could easily just be me, though!)
After using Allied Council, you could shorten it to The Council.
Excellent Tyrean! That line about following the blood path is my favorite, so I'd find a way to move it front and center.
Heather - you aren't the only one that feels that way. I was attempting to give the villainess a moment on the blurb, but she will just have to wait for the book. :) Thanks for giving me feedback!
Thanks for your input, Maurice! I'm definitely going to change that line up a little - had some feedback from some off-line sources too. :)
I read this as more of a synopsis than a blurb, but here's some suggestions for the first graphs.
Clara won the battle for Septily, but her fight isn’t over. (This is great.)
(I’d suggest you go with more action in the first graph. Instead of “feels trapped” “needs” “is attacked” I’d write something like: Still trapped in Skycliff by the Allied Council, Clara secretly ferrets out the last pieces of information she must have to find the Healing Caves. [I’m confused about who attacks her. Is it the Drinaii? ]Even when attacked, the covert Drinaii mercenaries, an uncomfortable ally, and the Allied Council won’t stop Clara from her quest to heal the broken blade. As Champion of Aramatir, she must act.
Thanks, C. Lee!!! I appreciate your help!
Which did you end up using?
Just got your comment on my blog. Thanks for stopping by. Do you like to bake or cook?
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